Thinking Out Loud With Lily

Have you ever just felt like you don’t belong to you feel really diffferent? It’s hard to get people to understand and what you mean and sometimes you really don’t even know how to express yourself or know the right words to say how you feel. I feel very much like I don’t belong here. If you ask me what, or where “here” is, I won’t have an answer for you. Sometimes I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own world. I feel so lonely, so eager to go home! But when I go home, I feel lonelier than before. I’m not sure how to explain this, but I feel like my home is out there somewhere that I haven’t yet reached.
I am a college student, who is involved, has friends; I even have had boyfriends for awhile. But, my life never lines up with everyone around me. I do not like alcohol, and I find this to be a very isolating factor in modern day college living. I don’t like the thought of not being able to control my mind and body. I don’t enjoy being around a TON of people but, I’m always want company. I don’t mind crowds, but I feel like I’m walking with people who are different than me, and when there are a lot of them, I feel like they can sense I’m not the same. I look typical, average weight, dirty blonde, white skin, no crazy features but I just don’t feel it. I haven’t felt normal my whole life. At first I thought it might be adolescence and that I’d grow out of these feelings, but here I am now…and they haven’t faded at all. If anything, being at college has only made me more aware of how different I am.
I love people. I love talking to different people, and getting to know them. I care about people I don’t even know, and I’ll cry during the news if someone has died. I feel like a part of me has died when I hear about death. It’s like I feel their pain, and if I see a loved one on the news discussing their loss, I can hardly control myself. But I feel so sad on a day to day basis and then again I live everyday so happily. I always have a smile on my face and I enjoy life. Life is everything. I used to lay awake at night in my youth and be so afraid to fall asleep because I didn’t know what was going to be there when I opened my eyes every morning. It’s almost as if I’m expecting the world to be different when I wake up.
But no matter how much I love people, if I don’t have time to myself everyday where I get to hang out with myself and enjoy things I want to do, I’m not the same person. Being alone and having that time myself really allows me to see me. You know, what AM I doing in my free time? What do I enjoy to do when no ones looking? What is it that I want to talk about?

The only thing I want is to explore. I want to know why I’m here, why I do the stars line up the way they do? What makes my world spin faster? What was the real purpose for me being here?

To some people, it’s far fetched but to me it’s the only thing I see myself doing. And I am completely okay with that.
I feel like no one really knows how I feel sometimes. I feel that everyone else has a “place” in society and I’m merely on the outside looking in. Like society wasn’t made for me. Business suits and clothes scare me. When everyone walking wearing the same neutral colors all in the same motion for 50 years makes me want scream. It makes everyone look like robots when I don’t think that, that is the sort of life I want to live. But everyone seems okay with doing this and that’s where I feel disconnected. People feel like it’s their only option when it’s not. The world is a lot bigger of a place.
Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m really weird but one thing I do know is that I’m Lily Freese.

Xoxo,

LJF

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